Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Noah
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet