Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.