life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
who did the taste test?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Lmfaoooooo
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up