Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you