You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you