If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
We found love in a hopeless place.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
2022: I can fix it