him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
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<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.