Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
This meeting could have been a cake
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.