To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles