Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked