“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.