When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison