“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’ve been drinking.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.