It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad