*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
You Might Also Like
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Feels
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
channeling her this year
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂