me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I wish this was real life…
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?