People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no