[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Basketball
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
They’re called werewolves.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.