Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie