Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Ken is short for chicken
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M