Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
no their not
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
the only organized thing in my life is crime
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.