“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals