Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Tell the colonel to bring it
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
i meant to share this earlier
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.