A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg