Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.