kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Effort made
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
crying
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.