I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
me: ugh Iâm so fat
him: babe no, itâs all in your head
me: oh great, I donât even know any head exercises
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Iâm not saying I know how to solve all the worldâs problems.
Iâm just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, youâd think heâd be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
please stop saying things like âur so hotâ and âyour jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectualâ and start saying things like âhere is ten thousand dollarsâ
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful đ