[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after