Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I falcon love using swear birds
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
when mom throws a party…
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.