Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Every damn time
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.