The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.