How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
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I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?