Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Mad Max Arctic Road
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise