The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
also my go-to takeaway order
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice