If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me checking my bank balance online.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.