Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.