I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.