Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
never forget
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Sounds like a bargain
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”