Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
#inspiration #foodforthought
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.