If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Smooooooth
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what