HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.