Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
this is me
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.