5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
set yourself free xox
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.