Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
How dude HOW?!
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one