I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
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Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…