me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.