When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
#Caturday
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later