Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us