[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
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*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!