Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
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Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Matt Goss
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”